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these two guys walk across a field but soon get stopped by the owner. the owner is mad cuz he doesnt like anybody walking in his field. anyway he tells the two men that unless they dont do what he tells them to he will shoot their heads off. so the owner lets them sleep in his barn for one day. late that night when they two men were sleeping the owner came and woke both of them up and told them to go out in the field and pick out any fruit or vegetable of their choice. so the two men obeyed and went. one of the men came back with a melon then the owner told him to bend over and shove it up his ass. the the man started laughing and the owner was asking why is he laughing at a moment like this then the guy said “because my friend out there is picking a watermelon”!

Two rather nerdy engineering students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”

The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, ‘Take what you want.’”

The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”

Q. On the left side of the river there is a rooster, and on the other side there is a cat and a worm. The rooster jumps over the river and eats the worm. The cat gets frightened and jumps in the river. Whats the moral of the story?

A. For every satified cock there is a dripping wet pussy.

THE DEAN

Leaps tall buildings in a single bound

Is more powerful than a locomotive

Is faster than a speeding bullet

Walks on water

Gives policy to God

THE DEPARTMENT HEAD

Leaps short buildings in a single bound

Is more powerful than a switch engine

Is just as fast as a speeding bullet

Talks with God

PROFESSOR

Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds

Is almost as powerful a switch engine

Is faster than a speeding BB

Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool

Talks with God if a special request is honored

ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR

Barely clears a quonset hut

Loses tug of war with a locomotive

Can fire a speeding bullet

Swims well

Is occasionally addressed by God

ASSISTANT PROFESSOR

Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings

Is run over by locomotives

Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury

Treads water

Talks to animals

INSTRUCTOR

Climbs walls continually

Rides the rails

Plays russian roulette

Walks on thin ice

Prays a lot

GRADUATE STUDENT

Runs into buildings

Recognizes locomotives two out of three times

Is not issued ammunition

Can stay afloat with a life jacket

Talks to walls

UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT

Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings

Says “Look at the choo-choo”

Wets himself with a water pistol

Plays in mud puddles

Mumbles to himself

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said,
“If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up

again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess,

I will stay with you for one week.”

The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the

pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a

Princess, I’ll stay with you and do *anything* you want.”

Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally the frog asked, “What is it? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful Princess,

that I’ll stay with you for a week and do *anything* you want. Why won’t

you kiss me?”

The boy said, “Look, I’m a computer programmer. I don’t have time for

girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool.”

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. After he’s done, he says to the bartender, “So what do I owe ya’?” And so the bartender responds, “Oh, you’re free of charge.”

A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother, “Who’s that guy on the beach with you, with all the muscles and curly hair?”

“That’s your father,” she says.

The kid looks at her funny and asks her, “Then who’s that old bald headed fat man who lives with us now?”

Q: How do you prick a Bobby?

A: With a Bobby Pin!

On a college field trip, four Engineering and four Pre-Law students were travelling on the same train. The law students each had a ticket, but the Engineers had but one ticket amongst them. One of the Engineers shouted “conductor’s coming!”, and the four Engineers crowded into one of the bathrooms. The conductor comes by and knocks on the bathroom door saying “Tickets, please”. The Engineers slip their one and only ticket under the door. The conductor punches it an moves on to the next car.

On the return trip, the four Lawyers, impressed by the Engineers’ trick, purchase only one ticket. The Engineers, however have no tickets at all!. Suddenly, one of the Engineers shouts “Conductor’s coming”. All four Engineers head for the bathroom, and all four lawyers crowd into the other one. Then, one of the Engineers slips out of his bathroom and knocks on the other bathroom door saying “Tickets, please”. The lawyers then slip their only ticket under the door, and the Engineer then picks up the ticket and joins his friends, waiting for the real conductor.

You look really sexy in that…thing you’ve got on tonight. I

like the way your eyes are always open when you read your

E-Mail. When you type, it reminds me of a concert pianist

tinkling on her keys.

You really know how to push the right buttons to turn me on.

If I wasn’t a computer, I’d show you what “Hard Drive” really

means!

But Alas, I’m only a bundle of circuits and wires, obeying

your every command. Yes mistress! I’ll balance your cheque-

book. Yes mistress! I’ll run your silly little program.

Don’t get me wrong…I like the Master/Slave thing, but

maybe just once in a while you could show some

compassion? Maybe instead of just ramming the diskette in,

you could slide it in slowly, maybe even blow in the slot

first. And maybe instead of just using me and turning me off

when you’re through, we could talk for a while afterwards?

I know other computers have hurt you in the past. But I’m

different! I may be a little slow, but I’ve got a big mouse!

So come on baby, don’t fight it. You know you want it. I’ll

just turn off the lights and . . . and . . . what? Ok . . .well, will

you at least think about it?

I’m so embarrassed,

Your Computer.