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WHy did the Chicken cross the riad??? Because he felt like it..

There was a nun that needed a ride so she waved down a taxi. The
driver pulled up and took the nun where she needed to go. During
the ride the man said to the nun, “You’re pretty hot, for a
nun!”

The nun thanked the man by asking him if he’d like to have sex
with her. He agreed and the nun said, “only under one condition,
you mustn’t be married, you mustn’t have kids, and it must be
anal sex!” So the two people got out and had anal sex for hours
and did not stop for anything (once you pop the fun don’t
stop… til one of you gets tired!) After they were sweaty
enough, they got in the cab and continued driving!

The man got very guilty and told the nun that he was married and
had two kids! The nun said, “That’s ok because my name is Bob
and I’m on my way to a costume party!”

Why are gay’s the first ones out of the hotel in the morning?

because they get their shit packed the ngiht before.

There were these three gay guys going at it one night, and they
run out of vasaline. So the first guy says “hey dont do anything
until i get back from the store” so the other two said “alright
we’ll wait”
So upon returning from the store the man notices that there is
vasaline all over the place. He says “I thought you guys
promised not to do anything until i got back!” The second guy
goes “We didnt” so the first guy says “then what is all this on
the walls?” upon syaing this the third guy steps up and says “I
farted”

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a girl and starts
flirting with her. She turns around and says, “You know, I’m a
lesbian.” He just nods and keeps flirting. So she turns around
again and says to him, “Do you know what a lesbian is?” He
replies no. She says, “You see that woman there. I want to strip
her down and have open sex with her all over the floor.” Upon
hearing that, the man starts sobbing. She asks, “What’s wrong?”
And he says, “I think I’m a lesbian too!”

Neighbor 1: “Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a nice day to
be moving”

New Neighbor: “Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely
friendly”

Neighbor 1: “So what is it you do for a living?”

New Neighbor: “I am a professor at the University, I teach
deductive reasoning”

Neighbor 1: “Deductive reasoning, what is that?

“New Neighbor: “Let me give you and example. I see you have a
dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog.”

Neighbor 1: “That is right”

New Neighbor: “The fact that you have a dog, Leads me to deduce
that you have a family.

Neighbor 1: “Right again”

New Neighbor: “Since you have a family I deduce that you have a
wife”

Neighbor 1: “Correct”

New Neighbor: “And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you
are heterosexual”

Neighbor 1: “Yup”

New Neighbor: “That is deductive reasoning”

Neighbor 1: “Cool”

Later that same day

Neighbor 1: “Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in
next door”

Neighbor 2: “Is he a nice guy?”

Neighbor 1: “Yes, and he has an interesting job”

Neighbor 2: “Oh, yeah what does he do?”

Neighbor 1: “He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the
University”

Neighbor 2: “Deductive reasoning, what is that”

Neighbor 1: “Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog
house?”

Neighbor 2: “No”

Neighbor 1: “You must be gay!”

my friends first date true story he told me

6:00 pm
arrives at girls house
is told she is getting ready
father stares menacingly from across the den

6:10 pm
father blinks
girl comes down half naked to find bra
father covers boys eyes

6:30 pm
girl is finally ready
get in car
wont start
father gives advise

6:45 pm
car starts
girls sleeping cat dies inside car
car smells

7:00 pm
movie sold out
only movie avaliable: Shallow Hal

7:01 pm
leave in disgust
go out to dinner

7:10 pm
arrive at resterant
no reservation
has to slip waiter $100 to get table

7:15 pm
asks to go to bathroom

7:20 pm
goes in stall
glasses fall in toilet

7:25 pm
realizes glasses fell in toilet after taking a dump
must reach in to get glass

7:26 pm
faucet is broken
no towels must use tp
leaves white stuff on lenses and hands

7:45 pm
returns red-faced from all the cleaning
girl stares at him weird
said she ordered for them both

8:45 pm
food arrives

8:46 pm
takes first bite
finds it tasty

8:47 pm
asks what it is

8:48 pm
in the bathroom again

9:00 pm
finally nothing left in his stomach
returns to table

9:01 pm
girl says she didn’t know he was alergic to oysters
asks to go dancing
boy can’t dance but says yes

9:15 pm
returns to table with swollen feet
asks waiter for the strongest drink in the house
they bring him tap water
tounge is so numb from throwing up he can’t tell the difference

9:20 pm
bill arrives
girl suggests going dutch
boy refuses as to not look cheep
only has enough to leave a $.01 tip
says to himself the service wasn’t that good anyway

9:25 pm
boy makes mental note to seek medical attention for the black
eye the waiter gave him

9:30 pm
girl suggests going to make-out point
boy happily agrees

9:40 pm
arrives at make-out point

9:41 pm
sees girls parents in the next car

9:42 pm
moves to other side of the point

9:45 pm
heavy making out

9:46 pm
hears a knock on car window
rolls down window
girls father asks for a condom
boy floors it
father still walks with a limp

10:00 pm
arrives back at girls house
boy makes move to kiss girl
dad turns out light
girl yells “thanks dad now we can be really uninhibited”
light comes back on

10:05 pm
attempt at goodnight kiss
boy misses and falls onto girl, face on chest

10:06 pm
boy makes mental note to seek medical attention for stinging
cheek

10:10 pm
gets into car
car won’t start
dad comes out with a baseball bat
steps up to side of car
car starts
boy floors it
dad walks with a limp in the other leg too

11:20 pm
arrives at home
boys dad asked how the date went
boy crys

11:21 pm
father wonders if boy is gay

Why did the gay man get a job at the loading dock?
He loved taking deliveries in the rear.

This guy had a hard day at work and decided to get a drink on
the way home. He stopped in to this bar and didn’t realize it
was a gay bar. He took a seat in this both and a waiter came up
to him and asked what the name of his penis was. The guy looked
at him puzled and said what?? The waiter replied i have to know
the name of your penis before I can serve you it is house rules.
The man asked well what is the name of yours?? the waiter said
it is NIKE ya know just do it. Oh said the guy a few min. passed
and the waiter asked him again a short pause then the man
replied it is SECRET the waiter questioned what does that mean
the man sad ya know strong enough for a man but made for a woman.

You know you’re in San Francisco when…..

Your co-worker tells you they have 8 body piercings but none are
visible.

When someone says TENDERLOIN- you don’t think of steak. You
think of danger.

You make over $100,000 and still can’t afford a house.

You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a
conversation in English.

You never bother looking at the MUNI line schedule because you
know the drivers have never seen it.

You can’t remember….is pot illegal?

You’ve been to more than one baby shower that has two mothers
and a sperm donor.

You have a very strong opinion where your coffee beans are grown
and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.

A really great parking space can move you to tears.

You know that anyone wearing shorts in April is just visiting
from Ohio.

You assume every company offers domestic partner benefits. Your
child’s 3rd grade teacher has two pierced ears, a nose ring and
is named “Breeze.” And, after telling that to a friend, they
still need to ask if the teacher is male or female.

You are thinking of taking an adult class but you can’t decide
between yoga, aromatherapy, conversational mandarin or a
building your web site class.

You haven’t been to Fisherman’s Wharf since the first month you
moved to SF and you couldn’t figure out how to drive to Coit
Tower if your life depended on it.

A man walks on MUNI in full leather regalia and crotchless
chaps. You don’t notice.

A woman walks on MUNI with live poultry. You don’t notice.

You think any guy with a George Clooney haircut must be visiting
from the midwest.

You know that any woman with a George Clooney haircut is not a
tourist.

You keep a list of companies to boycott.

Your hairdresser is gay, your plumber is gay, the woman who
delivers your mail is straight and your Mary Kay Lady is a guy
in drag.