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Q: How many classical music singers does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: None – “Impossible. The altitude may put unnecessary strain on my vocal chords. Have the bassist do it.”

How many government agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. There never was any light bulb. All you saw was a reflection from swamp gas.

Q: How many bassists does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: It doesn’t matter. Nobody will notice anyway.

How many KGB agents does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to screw it in and the other to check it for microphones.

Q: How many Apple and IBM nuts does it take to change a lightbulb?A: An infinite number: nothing useful gets done while they’re arguing. Finally a disgusted generic computer user (who will use any type that is in front of him) gets up and changes the bulb, elbowing the participants aside. The size of the crowd arguing seems to be a function of time, although whether or not the function is exponential is not known.

Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?A: Only one. They don’t like to share the spotlight.

Q: How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to screw in a lightbulb ?A: (Bruce Babbitt) It’s foolish to talk about screwing in light bulbs when we haven’t even taken the first step, and that is to remove the old bulb. I challenge my fellow candidates to stand up with me and help me remove this old light bulb [stands, but nobody else does] Hah! What wimps. You guys make Bush look like Rambo.

Q: How many Reagans does it take to change a light bulb?A: What light bulb?Note: Topical to Reagan’s apparent poor memory.

Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.

Q: How many roadies does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: One: Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.