LaffOnline.co.uk

“What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind is
being very wasteful. How true that is.”

- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for
the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line
“a mind is a terrible thing to waste”

QUOTE:”I freed who?!!”
Abe Lincoln waking up with a hangover.

I spilt spot remover on my dog, now’s he gone.

– Steven Wright

Sex is like a rollercoster, when it’s good you want it to last for longer,
when it’s bad you can’t wait to get off.

“It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.”

– Dave Barry

Due to the shape of the North American Elk’s esophagus. even if it
could speak, it could not pronounce the word lasagna.

- Cliff Clavin, Cheers

Will Rogers

- I need more money, power, and less SHIT from you people.

- We’ll get along fine as soon as you realize I’m God.

- Discourage inbreeding; ban country music.

- Life is short. Don’t be a dick.

- Yoo hoo!! Here I am, at the bottom of your purse!

- Starlight Starbright where the hell is Mr. Right

- To some its a six-pack, to me it’s a support Group

- I majored in liberal arts, would you like fries w/that.

- I majored in philosophy, would you like fries w/that.

- I want my man to have a VCR: Very Cute Rear

- I have PMS and a gun. Did you have a problem with that!?!

- I’m 17. Give me your credit cards, give me your keys and get
out of my way.

- I haven’t found Mr Right but I have found Mr Cheap, Mr Sleazy
and Mr Wrong

- You’re just jealous cause the voices talk to me.

- It’s Miss Bitch to you.

- How do you keep an idiot amused? Turn over. . . (on both sides
of keychain)

- I suffer from PMS… Putting up with Men’s Shit

- If you’re rich, I’m single.

- Men suffer from PMS too… Pretending to be Macho Studs

- If you shower in your clothes, it shows you’re crazy. If you
shower nude, it show’s your nuts!!!

- I’m immature, unorganized, irresponsible, lazy, and LOUD…
but I’m FUN.

- If you don’t like my driving, then get off the sidewalk!

- If it has tires or testicles, it’s gonna piss you off. – or -
If it has tires or tits, it’s gonna piss you off.

- Behind every great man is a great woman, and behind every
great woman is some guy staring at her ass!

- Bury me upside down so the world can kiss my ass

- Birthdays only come once a year… aren’t you glad you’re not
a birthday?

- To some it’s half empty, To some it’s half full. To me it’s
time for a beer run!

- (Written in really tiny writing) Nosy little fucker, aren’t
you?

- (This is a visual gag. It’s a condom inside plastic with the
caption) “In case of emergency, break glass.” (What’s really
funny is in tiny writing underneath) “Not recommended for use”

- I am so broke, I can’t even pay attention.

- I am not a BITCH… I am *the* BITCH.

- I was put on this planet to make your life miserable.

- I’m in touch with my inner bitch.

- I am trying to graduate college with a 4.0 (blood alcohol
level).

- I do what the voices in my head tell me. Looking for Mr. Right
*crossed out* Mr. Wonderful *crossed out* Mr. Coffee!

- Heartbreaker, looking for next victim.

- In God we trust. All others we monitor.

- Not all women are annoying… some are dead.

- The nuns made me dress this way.

- You! Out of the gene pool!

- You must be this tall to ride this ride.

- Moody Bitch; seeking a caring, and understanding guy to dump
on.

B.I.T.C.H. = Beautiful Individual That Can Handle anything!

Better a cruel truth than a comfortable delusion.

- Edward Abbey

FOOD By the year 2000, everybody will carry his little gaseous tablets, his little ball of fatty matter. — M. Berthelot, Strand magazine, 1901 By 2000, sawdust and wood pulp will be converted into sugary foods. Discarded table linen and rayon underwear will be bought by chemical factories and converted into candy. � John Smith, Science Digest, 1967 POLITICS One can only smile at the thought of England and the United States planning for the year 2000. They will be lucky to survive until 1950. — Joseph Goebbels, Nazi propaganda minister, 1941 ELVIS By the year 2000, one out of three people will be Elvis impersonators. — Michael Sweet, The New York Times, 1991 HOUSEWORK When the housewife of 2000 cleans house she simply turns the hose on everything. Why not? Furniture, rugs, draperies, unscratch- able floors – all are made of synthetic fabric or waterproof plastic. After the water has run down a drain in the middle of the floor, she turns on a blast of hot air and dries everything. — Waldemarr Kaempffert, Popular Mechanics, 1950 ROBOTS We may wake up each morning to the patter of little feet — robot feet. — Walter Cronkite, Life in 2001, 1967 CANNIBALS I predict an outburst of cannibalism that will terrorize the population of one of the industrial cities in the state of Pennsylvania — Pittsburgh! — Criswell, Criswell Predicts, 1968 SCHOOL All the teacher will have to do to bring swift punishment will be to press a button and a current of electricity will shoot through the victim and make him think he is a human pin-cushion. “Uncle Richard Tells of the Bad Boys of the Year 2000,” The Chicago Tribune, 1900